


What We've Lost and What We've Gained

by DisasterBi_Enby



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate route, Angst, Ash is dominant and the bois love it, Fluff, Multi, OT3, Polyamory, if Julian and Asra actually talked about their problems they would work, nonbinary apprentice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-01-07 12:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterBi_Enby/pseuds/DisasterBi_Enby
Summary: Kissing Julian had felt like exploring something new and exciting, it was wonderful, and Ash wanted to do it again and again, but being with Asra was like coming home after being gone far too long; it was indescribable. Ash figured they would sort out that mess later and just enjoy being wrapped up in a sleeping Asra’s arms while it lasted.Eventually though, Asra woke. “Good morning, love,” he breathed out sleepily. Ash laughed lightly when Asra yawned. For a moment, neither moved; they both simply enjoyed this simple moment. Eventually, Asra shifted and looked down at Ash. “I’ve never been happier than I am right now. It’s so surreal that you could love me again.”Ash smiled. “I don’t think I ever stopped. Even when I didn’t even know my own name, I still loved you.”***********************ABANDONED IN CHAPTER 4**********************************************





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so I welcome constructive criticism, but nothing unnecessarily harsh, please.  
> I love Julian and Asra separately, and they have potential together if they would actually talk to each other, so I decided to write this.

Ash walked into the shop hoping, for the first time, that Asra wasn’t there. Right now, Ash wanted to be left alone. Julian decided to break up with them, and, even though they’d only known him for a short time, Ash had already begun to care for him. They were sick of other people making important decisions for them.  
Sadly, Ash could never get what they want: Asra was waiting for them as soon as they walked through the door. “Hey Ash!” He quickly noticed their solemn expression. “What’s wrong?”  
“I had spent the day with Julian because he saved my life yesterday, but he decided that we can’t be around each other anymore because he doesn’t want me to be in danger.” Ash didn’t mean to tell him all of that, but it came pouring out as soon as he asked.  
Asra’s face had darkened as soon as he heard the name Julian, but he stopped himself from speaking until Ash was done. “That sounds just like Ilya. He’s always pushing people away ‘for their safety’ without even taking into account what they want.”  
“Who’s Ilya?” Ash asked with a genuinely confused expression.  
Asra laughed. “Ilya is Julian’s middle name. Only a few people know it.”  
“And you’re one of them?” Asra blushed. “How do you know him?”  
Asra turned his eyes to the ground. “Uh, well, um…” Ash giggled a bit at Asra’s flustered expression. After he composed himself, he managed to answer, “Ilya and I used to be close.”  
Ash raised an eyebrow. “How close?”  
“It was a long time ago. Things ended pretty badly.” Ash urged him to continue. “I was going through a rough time and wasn’t in the right place for a relationship, and Ilya always expected too much of me.” He looked down with guilt in his eyes. “In the end, we both just left without even trying to say goodbye.”  
“What do you mean he expected too much from you?” Ash asked with concern in their voice. It didn’t really sound like Julian to be that person in a relationship.  
Asra sighed. “That was my fault, I think. I led Ilya on, and he thought there were feelings there when there weren’t. At least, I didn’t think there were.”  
“Were there?”  
“I don’t know. I think there could have been, if I wasn’t so hyper focused on…” his voice trailed off before he continued, “…curing the plague. I was focused on curing the plague.”  
Ash knew he was trying to hide something, but they let it lie. When Asra wanted to keep a secret, there was usually a reason for it. Instead they decided to ask a different question that had been burning in their mind for a long time, “Before I lost my memory, what were we to each other?”  
Asra went completely still. Ash had never worked up the courage to ask him, so the question came as a complete shock. “Ash…I don’t know… your headaches…”  
Ash took his hand and looked imploringly into his eyes.  
With a shaky breath, he whispered, “We were lovers.”  
The world seemed to slow down as something in Ash clicked. That’s why Asra had stuck with them when they lost their memories. That’s why everything felt so easy with Asra. That’s why waking up to his face seemed so right.  
Ash reached out to touch Asra, but he moved first. He pulled them close, holding their face in his hands. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long, but I was afraid that the memories would hurt you.”  
Instead of responding, Ash pressed their lips to Asra’s with a feather-light touch. He let out a sound that sounded somewhere between a cheer and a sob before kissing them again, with much more ferocity. Ash may not have remembered doing this before, but it felt right; Asra’s lips were almost painfully familiar.  
The kiss deepened as Asra’s hands slid to Ash’s waist. Ash twined their fingers into Asra’s hair, carding through it reverently. Asra’s lips left Ash’s mouth and trailed to their neck with loving kisses. “Ash,” he whispered against their skin, voice filled with adoration and relief.  
Without another word, the two ascended the stairs to the bedroom, something that had been missing in both of them suddenly returned.  
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––  
The next morning, Ash woke up with Asra’s arms around them. Light from the high window hit his beautiful hair and seemed to form a halo around it. Asra was gorgeous like this, vulnerable, content, and asleep.  
Ash carded their fingers through Asra’s hair gently, making sure not to wake him. Ash thought they would feel guilty, doing what they had with Asra right after kissing Julian on the docks, but they didn’t.  
Kissing Julian had felt like exploring something new and exciting, it was wonderful, and Ash wanted to do it again and again, but being with Asra was like coming home after being gone far too long; it was indescribable. Ash figured they would sort out that mess later and just enjoy being wrapped up in a sleeping Asra’s arms while it lasted.  
Eventually though, Asra woke. “Good morning, love,” he breathed out sleepily. Ash laughed lightly when Asra yawned. For a moment, neither moved; they both simply enjoyed this simple moment. Eventually, Asra shifted and looked down at Ash. “I’ve never been happier than I am right now. It’s so surreal that you could love me again.”  
Ash smiled. “I don’t think I ever stopped. Even when I didn’t even know my own name, I still loved you.”  
Tears began to well in Asra’s eyes as he placed a tender kiss on Ash’s forehead. Ash reached up to wipe them away. “Come on, Asra. We should probably get some breakfast. I have to go back to the palace today. Nadia is expecting me.”  
He nodded and placed one more kiss to Ash’s lips before standing up. The two got dressed and headed downstairs.  
As they ate some of the bread the baker had given them during their last visit, there was a frantic knock at the door.  
When Ash went to answer it, Portia stood at the door, looking frantic. “Ash, I need your help. It’s Ilya.”


	2. Chapter 2

Portia? What’s wrong with Julian? Is he alright?” Ash asked, “The guards didn’t find him, did they?”  
Portia let out a shaky breath, “No, the guards haven’t caught him yet, but they will soon if we don’t talk some sense into him.”  
Asra came up behind Ash. “What’s Ilya done now?”  
Portia looks at Ash questioningly, and Ash nods. She looks at Asra and shakes her head. “My idiot brother is drunk off his ass in a bar and is insisting that he’s a murderer.” If it wasn’t for the severity of the situation, Asra and Ash would have laughed, but Julian was in a danger. “That moron is going to get himself hung if he keeps this up. Ash, I think my brother trusts you, and you haven’t turned him in. Can you please help me?”  
“Of course. I don’t want Julian to die for a crime he doesn’t even remember committing. Take me to him.”  
Asra placed a hand on Ash’s shoulder. “I’m coming too. Ilya and I may not have the best history, but I don’t want him to die for something that he didn’t do.”  
Portia looked at Asra skeptically. “How do you know my brother?”  
Asra looked away guiltily. “He and I were…close, once. It was a long time ago, and it ended badly, but Ilya isn’t a murderer.” His eyes went back to Portia’s, and he smiled mischievously. “Besides, I know how to talk sense into him better than most.”  
Portia nodded. “Then follow me. He’s at the Rowdy Raven.” Asra snorted at the name but said nothing.   
As the trio reached the nearly empty bar, their eyes were drawn to a mess of red hair in the corner. When they approached, they saw Julian surrounded by empty glasses, clearly drunk. When he noticed the three of them, he smiled tipsily and said, “Welcome, sit down, have a drink! It’s on me.”  
Portia looked at Ash and said, with an exasperated voice, “Do you want to do the honors, or should I?”  
Ash shot a glance at Julian. “I’ll handle this.” They turned to face him and promptly stomped on his foot as hard as they could. When he yelped in pain, they grabbed his face in one hand and pulled it to theirs. “What the hell are you thinking, Julian?” They hissed, “You can’t just push people away because you think you’re going to hurt them! In case you didn’t know, that hurts too, idiot.”  
Julian at least had the decency to look sheepish. “Well, I’m just looking out for you. People who get too close to me tend to get hurt.” He looked at Asra, whose face was unreadable.   
Asra stepped forward, and Ash released Julian’s face. Asra sat down across from Julian and took one of his gloved hands. “Ilya, don’t push Ash away. They care about you. Portia cares about you.”  
Julian’s eye meet Asra’s, both unreadable.   
“Do you?”  
“Ilya, I-”  
Julian cuts Asra off, pulling his hand away from Asra’s. “Don’t worry, I know the answer to that. You never really cared about me. I was always just a distraction for you.” His eye fell to the empty glass in his hand.   
“I’m sorry, Ilya. I never meant to hurt you.”  
Before the conversation could go any further, Ash interrupted. “Listen, you two definitely need to have this conversation, but not when Julian is drunk as a skunk and we’re all in a public place. We need to go somewhere where Julian won’t get caught.”  
Julian laughed bitterly. “What makes you think I don’t want to be caught?”  
Portia stepped forward and slapped Julian across the face. “Listen to me right now, Julian Ilyushka Devorak! You are not getting yourself executed for a crime you did not commit. Ash and Asra are trying to help you, and so am I. Getting yourself killed won’t do anyone any good.”  
“How do you know I didn’t do it? I don’t even know if I did it. I don’t remember anything about that night.”  
“I know you didn’t do it,” Asra said softly. Julian’s eye shot to his filled with questions. Asra stood up and held out a hand. “Come on. There’s someone you should meet.”  
Julian took Asra’s hand and stood, stumbling a bit. Ash and Portia giggled until Julian shot them a glare, then they laughed harder. Asra rolled his eyes and cast a spell that made Julian sober up immediately.   
Julian left a few coins on the table and the group left the bar. Portia looked around before saying, “Milady is going to be suspicious if I’m gone too long. I’ll go back to the palace and tell her that Ash is looking around the city for clues. You three go on.”  
“Alright.” Ash hugged her. “I’ll make sure to tell you what happens later.”  
When Portia left for the castle, Asra led Julian and Ash towards the forest in silence. Once they were near the outskirts of the city, Ash heard guards approaching. They looked frantically around them before seeing an old gate that hadn’t been used in years. They grabbed Julian and Asra and pulled them inside.   
All three waited in silence as the guards passed them by. Julian ran a hand through his hair. “Thanks Ash, that was some quick thinking.”   
“We need to get out of here. Ilya isn’t safe until we’re out of the city,” Asra said urgently. Ash and Julian nodded, and the trio quickly left the garden.   
As they approached the woods, the hair on Ash’s neck stood on end. Asra glanced nervously at them and said, “You felt that too?” Ash nodded. “Let’s hurry then. I don’t think whatever’s in these woods wants us to be here.”   
Their pace quickened into a near run. Julian looked around wildly. “What’s wrong? What did you both feel?”  
Ash took his hand. “There’s just a presence here that seems a bit hostile. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, Julian.”  
Julian did not seem convinced, but he said nothing. Asra looked around the forest and murmured, “We just need to get where we’re going, and then we’ll be fine. We’re almost there.” His eyes glanced down to Julian and Ash’s intertwined hands and raised an eyebrow. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything.  
The trio came to a small hut with an open door. Asra’s brow furrowed as he approached the entrance. He turned back to Julian and Ash and said he was going to get some firewood to keep warm while waiting for the owner of the hut to return.   
Julian and Ash sat down on the minimal furniture in silence. Outside, they heard rain begin to fall. After a few minutes, the door opened, and they turned around, expecting to see Asra, and saw an imposing man standing in the doorway.   
“You need to leave. Now.”


	3. Chapter 3

Julian leapt off the chair and put his hands out in surrender. “Asra brought us here. He said you might have answers.”  
The man just glared at Julian and pointed to the woods outside. Before anyone could say a word, a wolf approached from behind the man, whimpering and covered in blood. Julian saw her and his eye widened.   
“Is she hurt? I’m a doctor, I can help.”  
The man continued to glare at Julian and growled, “Don’t touch Inanna.” As he spoke, Inanna fell to the ground. Ash ran to her, ignoring the protests of the man immediately began to check her wounds.   
When the man attempted to swat them away, they shot him a death glare. Despite the man’s imposing stature, he quickly backed away.  
“I definitely wouldn’t mess with them when they get that look in their eyes,” came a voice from outside. Asra was smiling mischievously, holding a small pile of firewood in his arms. He looked at the man and sighed. “Muriel, let Ilya help. Ash and I can heal, but Ilya can do it better.”  
Muriel nodded and gestured for Julian to have access to Inanna. Julian approached and put his hand out to her. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you,” he murmured. Inanna narrowed her eyes but allowed Julian to touch her.   
The mark on his neck glowed as deep gashes began appearing on his arms. He stumbled back, but Ash caught him before he fell on his back.   
Asra looked worriedly at Julian’s arms, and then at Inanna. “What did that to her?”  
Muriel went to the door, looking around before quickly shutting it. “He did.”  
Ash stood up. “Was he a goat-like creature with long claws and red eyes?”   
Asra looked at Ash with wide eyes and worry lines around his eyes. “You’ve seen him before? You’ve seen Lucio?”  
Julian stood up quickly but reeled and fell back into the chair Ash had helped him to before exclaiming, “Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! Lucio? Goat-like creatures that attacked a wolf? What’s going on here that I don’t know about?”  
Asra sighed. “That goat-like creature is Lucio’s ghost. There had been rumors that he had been haunting his old wing of the palace, but recently he’s been venturing farther, becoming more solid. I don’t know how, but he’s coming back to life.”  
“Well, him coming back would definitely be a problem, but that poses another question. How did he die in the first place? Asra said Julian didn’t do it, but he refused to explain how he knew.” Ash looked at Muriel. “Asra said you would know what happened that night.”  
Muriel looked down. “Asra asked me to go get Julian from his office and bring him to Lucio’s room. When we got there, the room was on fire, and one of the courtiers was shrieking some nonsense about a deal.”   
Julian ran a hand through his hair. “The fire had already started by the time I got there?” Muriel nodded. “Wait, I remember. I had been working in my office on a cure for the plague.” He lifted his eyepatch to reveal a red eye. “I found it! I can’t remember how, but I found the cure, and it worked!” He let the eyepatch fall and looked to Asra. “I need to get into that office. I may have written it down somewhere. The plague is coming back, and I need to find that cure before it’s too late.”  
At the exact same time, Ash and Asra said, “I’m coming with you.”  
Julian didn’t seem surprised about Ash but was very much so about Asra. “Why would you come with me? What do you have to gain by coming?”  
Asra sighed. “Ilya, I know how badly things ended, but I really do care about you, and I don’t want you to die.”  
Ash looked between and shook their head. “Asra, it would be easier for me to get into the palace if I disguise Julian as you. Nobody would question him if he looked like you, but it would be hard to explain away another person.” Before either could protest, Ash continued, “If I could think of a better way, I could, but Julian needs to be there, and this is the best way I can think of.”  
Asra let out a shaky breath and looked at Julian, whose face was apprehensive. “Ilya, Ash is right. You two should go to the castle, Ash as themself and you as me. I’ll stay here and help Muriel ensure his protective enchantments are secure.” He swallowed and locked eyes with Ash. “I do want to talk to you before you leave, though.”  
Ash nodded. Julian awkwardly remained inside with Muriel as Ash and Asra went outside to talk. Asra took Ash’s hand. “Please be careful. I don’t know what I would do if you got hurt.”  
Ash brushed his hair out of his face. “I’ll be fine, Asra. I promise.”  
Asra pulled them into a tight hug. When they broke away, Asra placed a hand gently on Ash’s cheek. “Ash, I hope you know that I’m okay if you’re with Ilya as well. I don’t have a monopoly on you. I just want to make sure that you don’t get hurt.”  
They placed a hand on his cheek and brought their foreheads together. “I’ll be fine. I can handle myself. You don’t need to worry so much about me, Asra.”  
He let out a small, humorless laugh. “I know, but I still worry all the same. It’s just because I love you.”  
“I love you too, Asra.” They placed a quick kiss on his forehead. “I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.”  
Asra sighed. “You should probably get going. If you wait too long, the day will be over by the time you get to the castle.”  
Ash nodded and turned to open the door and call Julian to tell him that it was time to go. The man was relieved to take his leave of the awkwardly silent situation.   
Before they could leave, Asra stopped them to give them protection charms. “Lucio’s ghost shouldn’t be able to touch you while you’re wearing these.”  
Julian looked at the charm in his hand and then back up at Asra, and it seemed like there were a thousand words he wanted to say. Instead, he settled for, “Thank you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it's been a while since I updated, and I'm sorry to the few of you who actually want to read this. I've been going through a rough time, and I had AP tests, so I haven't really been in the state of mind to update this thing. I plan on taking the story at a faster pace than the actual game, since I think that the events would have gone a little faster if Julian and Asra were working together the whole time. 
> 
> Thank you to the person who left the first comment, you're the reason I decided to come back to writing this!

            Getting into the palace with Julian described as Asra was fairly easy. Most people tend not to question two powerful magicians walking around together. The problem, however, was avoiding Nadia. "Are you sure I'm convincing enough, Ash? Am I walking right? Is this how Asra walks?" Julian was obviously working himself into a minor panic that was bound to escalate if it went on long enough. 

            Ash took one of his hands and squeezed it reassuringly. "Hey, just remember to hold yourself with confidence and maintain an air of mystery. As long as you don't talk too much, you'll do fine. If we run into Nadia, let me do the talking unless she addresses you specifically. If she does, act like you know what you're talking about." Julian nodded and seemed to be slightly appeased, though still on edge. "Where do you think we should go first?"

            "Well, I would say to Lucio's room, but if Lucio's ghost is hanging around there, I'd rather not encounter him if I can avoid it." He thought for a moment. "How about the library?"

            "Alright, to the library it is." The pair walked confidently towards the library, and Ash noticed a strange lack of people in the halls of the castle. Hopefully, people weren't congregating near the library. When they arrived, the halls were blessedly empty. Julian approached the door and took a deep breath. Ash put a comforting hand on his shoulder as he pushed the doors open. Julian let out the breath and walked quickly towards his desk. Ash let the spell on Julian drop, and he returned to his usual self. 

            "I know I had an office somewhere else in the castle, but I can't remember how to get there. Maybe there'll be a clue at my old desk." Julian walked over and looked at some of his old writings and drawings. "You know, this was one of the places where I spent the most time with..." Julian's voice trailed off. 

            "Don't worry Julian, I know about you and Asra. It doesn't bother me," Ash reassured. How hypocritical would it be to be upset about Julian and Asra's former relationship?

            "Back then, I made a lot of mistakes. I made too many assumptions; I didn't give him enough space when I knew he needed it. God, I hope I'm not the same man now as I was back then."

            "Asra says he regrets a lot of what he did, too. I really think the two of you need to talk out your problems once we get a spare moment."

            Julian sighed, "Yeah, he and I should probably talk at some point, but right now there are more important things to focus on."

            "You're right, but one last thing while we're on the subject of Asra." Ash took a deep, shaky breath. "Would it bother you if- if-"

            "If you and Asra were together at the same time that we're 'seeing each other?'" Julian finished. Ash nodded wordlessly. "As long as Asra knows, and doesn't mind, I don't really mind."

            Ash let out a major sigh of relief. They did not want to have to choose between the two of them. "Asra knows, and he told me earlier that he's okay with it, as long as I'm happy."

            Julian went still when he saw something metal under some of the papers. When he grabbed it, Ash saw that it was an old, metal key. "Ash, I think this is it. This is the key to my office- I remember where it is! There's an entrance to it nearby!" He swept Ash into his arms and pinned them to the desk. "Ash, I never would have gotten this far if it weren't for you. I'm truly sorry for pushing you away." HIs eyebrows wiggled mischeviously. "How could I ever repay you?"

            Ash pulled Julian's lips to theirs. Both of them were kissing eagerly, and the kiss turned heated very quickly. Ash made their way along Julian's jaw and down his neck. When they bit down, they used the moment of surprise to flip positions were Julian was the one pinned to the desk. Julian's cheeks flushed and he bit his lip. Before the kiss got any more intense, however, there were voices at the door. One of them, a regal woman's voice, was all too familiar. 

            The two pulled apart, Julian grabbed his coat, and then pulled Ash into the bookshelves. Without saying a word, he went to remove one of the books, but instead, a door opened. Julian pulled Ash through, and the two descended the stairwell into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short, and I'm sorry for that, but, like I said, I've been busy lately.
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome and appreciated :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, sorry
> 
> I don't think I will be continuing this fic for personal reasons.  
> I'm sorry to the few people who actually wanted to read it.


End file.
